Aries - You will spend this week trying to get ahead in your job at the morgue. Here’s a hint: There’s a bin bag full in the freezer.

Taurus - On Tuesday you will hear (and enjoy) the song ‘babycakes’ and wonder whatever happened to ‘Three of a kind’? On Thursday, your question will be answered when the fat bloke from the band serves you at Greggs.

Gemini - This week, after quite a drought, you will finally meet someone special. Of course by ‘someone’ I mean ‘something’. And by ‘special’ I mean ‘with AIDS’.

Cancer - That man at work who says he doesn’t like anime, but you believe will learn to love anime if you keep telling him about your favourite anime, will kill you this Wednesday. Unless you stop telling him about anime. In a self destructive mood this week? Tell him lots about anime on Monday and Tuesday.

Leo - Your position as ‘Alpha Nerd’ will be threatened by a new employee at your call centre… beware of a man who wears sunglasses, flips his collar up and once met Raymond E. Feist.

Virgo - On Tuesday, a man on the metro will tell you that he is from the future. This is a lie. He is from Heworth.

Libra - Monday’s vicious anal rape will leave you in a state of utter shock. Luckily, a trip across the same dark car park on Thursday will bring an altogether more pleasant raping, that will re-affirm your faith in the world.

Scorpio - This Friday sees you lose the game.

Sagittarius - On Tuesday you will suddenly fear that you are the only survivor of the nuclear holocaust. Don’t worry, there was a fire drill while you were in the toilet.

Capricorn - On Tuesday the first thing you will see is an orange-clad man lowering a winch to you from a ball of blinding light. Congratulations! You fell down a well!

Aquarius - On Monday you will be confused by the derisive laughter that greets your drunken announcement ‘I want to fuck Fern Britton’. On Thursday you will realise that you meant Fearne Cotton.

Pisces - Saturday will bring a second degree burn and first degree humiliation. Sunday will bring the decision to quit your job as ‘Wile E. Coyote’.